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Earlier this weekend, I got into an argument with someone I care for dearly. (No, not my sweetheart). After I got over the hurt and anger, I realized that—despite them being older than I am—they argue like a child. I wish I knew a way to help them discuss differences and problems without using childish tactics, but right now I can’t see a way.

What I can do is share these insights with you, in the hopes it will help you build stronger relationships of all types. Here are the three major ways this person argues like a child and some tips for fixing things.

1. Throwing Up The Past
   Seriously, why would you do this other than to hurt someone? This behavior has to come from a place where the person doing so feels they have to prove either their superiority or correctness. Not so effective in solving the issue at hand though.
   The Fix:
   Leave the past where it belongs and focus on the topic at hand. If the past relates, you may consider using examples but be sure to do so in a caring way. Otherwise, you are likely to put the other person on the defensive and nothing will be accomplished.
2. Emotional attacks and barbs
   I’ve been guilty of this in the past. Trust me when I say they do more to harm the relationship than they do to fix the issue at hand. You shouldn’t use words that you know are going to hurt the other person. If you’re still so upset or angry that it doesn’t matter to you if you hurt them, seriously consider waiting until you are more calm.
   The Fix
   Just don’t do this. Stop using hurtful language to try to “win” the argument. In the end, you only lose. The other person can  only forgive so much, you know. If you find yourself having to bite back this type of attack (or any kind of language that is an attack), walk away. Tell the other person that you need time to calm down so you don’t say something horrible out of spite if they ask why you are walking away, but then say no more. This will make things much more smooth and productive when you address the issue later on.
3. Manipulation
   This is when you use things like “If you loved me you would…”, “So-and-so’s husband does thus and such all  the time” and so forth as ways to pressure others into doing what you want. It may work, but odds are high they will resent you for playing this type of game with them.
   The Fix
   While it can be helpful to share what others are doing in their relationships at times, don’t use it to put pressure on someone else to follow the crowd. Using the “classic” If you loved me line is just a terrible thing to do to someone. Find a way to ask for what you want with confidence and you will be just as likely to get it plus you skip the frustration and resentment that often builds up over time.

Bonus:

I have found the best thing for me to do when I am trying to fix an issue with someone is to calmly state the facts, even when they are about emotions. For example, I might say “When you do ____, it hurts my feelings (or makes me angry, etc”)”. Normally, this will get a positive response because you aren’t being accusatory but are taking responsibility for your feelings while conveying what it is that can trigger them.

I often have to wait a while (anywhere from half an hour to a couple of days) to calm down and then address the issue. When dealing with adults, this shouldn’t be a problem. You may occasionally have to refresh their memory of the incident you were unhappy about, so be sure to have a narrative of the incident worked out to help you keep your cool and not revisit the negative emotions that it caused in the first place.

Your Turn: What tips and tricks do you have that helps you be able to more lovingly communicate about problems and disagreements with others? Share them in the comments section below.

Photo Credit: stock.xchng

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