Reading time: 4 – 6 minutes

I am so sick of the conflicting emotions of my life. At this point in time I am happy, pissed, jealous and sad. All at once…shouldn’t be possible, but it is. And let’s not forget lonely…that one really takes the cake at this moment and has all day, almost.

Its a LONG ass story, but I won’t bore you with all the details…just suffice it to say someone calling the man I love by pet names irks me…when they start using the one I have been using for months…well, that pisses me off. And, though it is probably not true, it seems like they did that deliberately. I mean, my facebook stalking ass has never seen that particular pet name used before. However, I did use it when I posted on the same thing she had….smells like fish to me. Am I being over analytical about it? I really don’t know. However, the time has come to point out I really don’t like any of it, no matter if we are technically just dating (across 6k freaking miles). It will drive a wedge between us in time…he has the right to know.

Oh..and lets us add that it seems he’s called her a few times. He’s called me…twice. I usually call him or we just text on yahell. That makes me feel pretty bad…not sure if I have the balls to bring that up right now. Just makes me feel like I don’t matter that much, so maybe I am wasting my time..in many more ways than just waiting for him to come back.

Yeah, Yeah. I know it is very wrong for me to stalk the FB page thing. However, most of what I have seen, I would have seen just by checking feeds and stuff. So I don’t feel but so bad. I am an obsessive person, and I know when I go overboard. Those incidents will NEVER be mentioned, because they don’t really matter now.

At least we did talk for a bit tonight. Hearing his voice and hearing him actually laugh at my blunders was heavenly. I miss him so damned much its driving me crazy. And if he gets an offer to stay from the company taking over there, its no telling when I might see him again. I don’t know how much longer I can do this. I feel lonely. I feel like the months before he left were just a dream or a game. I know he doesn’t play those kinds of games…but I also know life plays those kinds of ugly games with us.

I really am at another breaking point. Hopefully, when I talk to him about all this (tomorrow if I don’t chicken out), we can figure out a way to work through it. I can’t bear the thought of him not being in my life, and the thought of us being just friends isn’t much more bearable at this point in time. I know I could cope with that situation, given enough time— but I don’t want to.

Thanks for reading my little rant…Hopefully your life is going well and this is just a reminder to you of all you have. Don’t take ANYTHING or ANYONE for granted. You never know how long you will have with them OR how long your time with them will be more happy than unhappy.

Blessed Be.

Gurl

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